Search - Various Artists :: 80s Monster Ballads

K. K. (GAMER)
Reviewed on 7/5/2023...

Not the original artists singing these.

1 of 1 member(s) found this review helpful.

Compilation Album as Alternate History

Dawn Geisler | Michigan | 11/13/2008

(4 out of 5 stars)

"You've probably seen the likes of this disc in late-night infomercials and the bargain bin at your local mass market retailer, but y'know, I came of age in the 80s and the music will always be special to me. So I decided to give this one a listen, and it was not quite what I expected.



The phrase to look for when you buy a good quality Various Artists album of this sort is something like "Original Versions." If your disc doesn't have that, you're looking at one of two kinds of impostor. The first is where they get some band of nobodies to go into the studio and imitate the hits of the day, and with any luck, people will buy the cheap, extruded-music-substitute-product that comes out before they realize that these aren't the artists they're looking for. The second, slightly classier way to put together a compilation without licensing all those expensive originals is to get one-offs (like live or re-recorded versions by the original artists).



I was dismayed to realize that "80s Monster Ballads" was the second variety of knockoff. They'd gotten together what remained of some of the great 80s hair bands, presumably by cruising by whatever alleys they were haunting alongside Boy George and MC Hammer and luring them away with offers of five bucks and a fo'ty of malt liquor. Bonnie Tyler's voice was obviously shot as she sang "Total Eclipse of the Heart," blown out as much as Janis Joplin's would have been if she still had pipes to ruin. When Bonnie sang, "...But now I'm only falling apart," you can tell she really meant it. White Lion's re-recorded version of "Wait" doesn't sound much better. I wondered if the artists felt dirty, selling out for two bits of filthy lucre as they belted out just one more performance of the songs they probably got sick of singing for stadiums of lighter-waving fans twenty-odd years ago.



The longer I listened, though, the more I found a kind of beauty in it. Have you ever heard the music that "kids these days" listen to and wished that something like our generation's music was still being made? Well, if Debbie Gibson had released "Lost In Your Eyes" in 2008, this is what it would have sounded like - with a more mature woman's voice coming through deeper and more experienced than the candy-pop teengirl ever could. Starship's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" reminded me less of the high school crush that I watched from under lowered eyelashes as we passed between classes, and more of the sweet guy I eventually married. Everyone sounded a little older - just like me.



Bonnie may be "nervous that the best of all the years have gone by," but to me these folks sound more down-to-earth, more like survivors, more approachable than they did when I danced to their songs with my prom date. We're all adults now. Heck, I bet they even have time between mowing the lawn and watching the grandkids to answer the stray fan letter. It's nice to know that they aren't all dead from drug overdoses and STDs and can still belt out a little hair rock now and again. The 80s are still alive, they're just calmer now. And thank goodness, I am too.

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